apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
