I just cut my nipple shaving
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
