broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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