hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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