Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
