It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
