on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
