In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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