also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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