You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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