Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
