Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
