My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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