We're facebook friends in real life
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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