How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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