If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
