I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
