I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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