im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
