saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If I die, sorry about rent.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
