Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
