There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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