I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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