Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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