it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
