i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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