tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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