if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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