i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
