So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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