i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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