i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This toilet bowl is my home.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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