She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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