OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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