were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
