so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
