Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Randomize
