Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
