Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize