I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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