I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
