Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize