i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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