Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
