I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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