Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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