Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
