This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
