My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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