She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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