It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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