Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
