I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
