I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
