Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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