There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
