oh god the rape fog is back!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
