I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
